it's this feeling that you have a source, you can sense your source, and you reach out to it but can never grasp what it is.  it's like you can feel this thing that you can't taste or touch or hear or see.  it's as if you ever grasp this thing, then it will all be over.  i guess it would be like going to "heaven" or whatever it is.  

are you dreaming me?

i feel like it's true

cause i couldn't be

dreaming without you.

an idea from yoko ono's 100 acorns blog:

it takes billions of light years for the light of a blinking star to reach us.  it takes billions of light years for that star to come into existence for us.  in the present we are seeing the past.  likewise, it will take a long time for the light from the earth to reach that star.  by using this timewarp, we can, one day, observe the earth from different distances, and see what was happening on the earth at any given point in our history.  

so don't look back,

look forward.

only then 

will the past be revealed to us.

===

this is what she says.  some sentences are direct quotes, others paraphrases.  i think it's a pretty cool idea, though.  the fact that focusing on the past is fruitless.  i'm not sure if looking forward is really any more fruitful than looking at the past, but it does seem that this "philosophy" describes how the past, the present, and the future are all occurring simultaneously.

i think a root of my anxieties etc. is the fact that i'm struggling to make myself feel like i'm growing without them around.  meg, jared, laura, dave, scooby, rhoads.  it's awesome when i hang out with rhoads, and i always feel awesome about it.  hanging out with her now is like me trying to hang on to that.  

i'm scared.  i'm scared to move on without them.  i liked who i was around them so much.  i was very comfortable with myself.  and i seem or feel like i'm lost without them maybe.

thank you for the email, meg.  it's one of the best things i've ever read.

rough just waiting

are you dreaming me?

i feel like it's true

cause i can't be

dreaming without you.

can you feel my hand there, baby,

when i'm in bed, just maybe?

i'll shout out to you this time

and you'll maybe answer instead.

lonely, lonely

when you're just a dream that seems

only lonely

not sad; just waiting.

are you dreaming me?

i feel like it's true.

but that would be

why i can't taste you, and I'm

lonely, lonely

when you're just a song i sing

only lonely

not sad; just waiting

you're the voice that i hear

when i think i'm going crazy

you're the time on my clock

blinking at me when i'm lazy

it is estimated that you have 50,000 thoughts per day.  that's about one thought per waking second and you don't even know what they are.

look for yourself.  what are the thoughts you've already had in the last half hour?  if you are like most people, you will struggle to come up with even a few, yet you had about 1800 thoughts!

that's why it appears the your world is not of your own making.

this is false!

in actual fact, you are incredibly good at creating what you think - you just don't know what that is!

[from the Daily Guru (www.dailyguru.com), Self-Mastery, 1 July 2008.]

pat, if you're ever trying to explain what your mind goes through every day, show them the posts directly below this one.

what if we're all characters in each other's dreams?

everyone's dream is different.

now i'm just exchanging the word "experience" for the word "dream."

OR, i'm just specifying a general condition with a more specific event.

but how do those experiences collide with each other or interact with each other?

are those what we call "relationships?"

i could dissect this for hours.

no i couldn't.  

if all units of measurement can be divided in half, and if all denominators can rise to a figure of infinity... when we move, don't we move, simultaneously, no where AND across an eternity.

imagine the most minute speck of matter encompassing all of everything we know and don't know.

now imagine how much is in you.  how much energy and life and potential.

am i really getting this stuff or am i regurgitating it because i watched a documentary on metaphysics yesterday?  maybe i'm starting to get it because i'm making it materialize.  it's passing through me, like water through a stream.  the water changes the riverbed, kind of thing.

have humans lost the ability to apply the kind of potential that exists within this paradigm of thinking, or is the potential all an illusion caused by the structure of our language, our system of categorizing and understanding?  is there a system which CAN encompass all this potential?  or is ours a "lesser" system which creates this uncertainty... the potential for potential.  

i am crazy.  

i watched a show on lincoln today.  abraham lincoln.  they talked about how his mind moved.  i think that experience was one of these three things: 1) i had a real, vital connection with abraham lincoln and the documentary today because i was earlier observing, with an air of annoyance, my brain's tendency to run away with itself and then the film i chose to take my mind off things begins talking about exactly the thing i was trying to NOT think of; (2) i was absorbing and conforming to these ideas because i am looking for a reason to my unhappiness; (3) i was projecting my thoughts into the movie in a metaphysical way, as the observer influences the surroundings as his/her observations are as much a product of "nature" as of the observer.  after all, isn't the observer a PART of the nature she is observing?

number 3 may be a somehow combination of numbers 1 and 2.  i haven't thought about it.  but doesn't 3 seem to point to an aspect of human experience that seems so obvious?  have humans really evolved into this hoard of creatures that believes itself to be so far removed from its past?  maybe THAT'S why we can't predict the future... some sort of pride or hubris or something.  we don't allow the "past" to communicate with us.  we want nothing to do with it.  so, it gets nothing of us.  maybe THAT thought is arrogant enough.

i hope i have a lucid dream tonight.