i'm egocentric because i don't understand myself. i'm generally good at understanding non-human things. i can even understand, usually, humanistic things, like arts. even, SOMETIMES, i'm able to understand OTHER people. or, at least enough so to get along with them and develop some real friendships.
when it comes to me, it's like i'm constantly studying myself. studying my impulses, rejecting some, keeping others. seeing traits of others then seeing if they fit into me. watching how others relate to me. re-reading what i write over and over again. this entry. WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME. ME. ME. ME. i'm so good at egocentrism, in fact, that i know the nuances of my own egocentrism. it's really a well-developed muscle of mine.
it's kind of a blackhole effect though. and by now it's pretty knee-jerk. i don't know how to kick it. i don't know how to say just "fuck it." and it's a paradoxical thing: it's like what i think about most is what i understand least. is that a paradox? well, it's not like thinking about it more and more is helping me out here.
i'm sick and tired of it. i know there are other people who are, too.
it's this way that i'm my own blindspot. this is a phrase i thought of while tripping on mushrooms actually. but even now, two years later, it makes as much sense to me as it did while tripping on my trip.
i just wondered if this blog will only make things worse. that's probably the exact mechanism in my brain that powers my egocentric tendencies.
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